ok tumblr, I’m having a bit of a pity/pissy party and I need to vent a little “out loud”. Feel free to try to make me feel better, but don’t get upset when it doesn’t work*. apologies in advance - begin rant
Warning: I am probably going to make you very mad.
I’ll start small and relevant to the people reading this. You are all selfish, horrible people! Tumblr can get some selfish kid a chicken but when I ask for a simple reblog and signal boost for a good cause near and dear to my heart I get nothing. I’m raising four orphaned kittens in my home because there is no where else for them to go. I had to watch two of my kittens die in my hands because there was nothing else I could have done. The internet machine is fantastic and amazing and can do so much good, but everyone uses it to “see how many people here are/want to see/like/do ect and “if I get this many notes I get_ insert dumb thing here_”. Movie stars and artist get their campaigns funded almost instantly because people want something from them and that’s it. Those people get thousands of dollars more than they ask for because people want stuff. I’m absolutely sick of that shit Human race! Sick to death of it! One non profit asks for a small amount to save lives and no one will even spread the word about it because “what’s in it for them?” Fuck you.
Now, on a more personal note, my sexual frustrations and emotional insecurities.
I’ve been single since November, and probably haven’t had sex since September or October (at least, not been on the receiving end). Before, I had to beg and coerce and bribe to get sex from my girlfriend, and then even that stopped working. Now the only time I can even get a girl to show interest is if shes drunk at a bar. Even then they always find a reason to not follow through. “too drunk” ,”I like you too much to ruin it”, can’t find privacy at the bar (looking one place then giving up despite the car being an option)… always this close, and then nothing. Not even a text or friendship in most cases, which would be better than just flat out ignoring me. And no these aren’t all just “pick ‘em up at the bar chicks”. One of them I met under the idea that we were going to be friends with benefits, but once the benefits part came around, so did the excuses, and now the “friends” part is falling apart. I’ve tried to do casual no strings hook ups, but I just can’t. I can’t have sex with someone and never see them again. I could have casual sex with an actual friend, or a very casual friend who comes over for mostly just that purpose, but I can’t have that physical connection with someone who I have no emotional connection with and who has no interest in me. That was how my big relationship ended.
Which brings me to my very deep buried insecurity, courtesy of my ex. I lost my virginity to a girl I hardly knew in person and had already fallen in love with(long un-important story). She’s the only person I’ve ever been with and she tore my heart into tiny pieces and set them on fire. Yes I’m angry about that, but I am honestly over her. My issue now is that I feel unclean. I feel like I’ll never be sure if her cheating didn’t involve sex like she claimed. And even if/when I get tested and it came back clean, the mental stigma will still be there, like I’m stained by her blatant disregard for how important my virginity was to me. Like I’ll never be able to be special to anyone like that again. Like she threw that away with the two years of our life together. Maybe that’s why nothing ever works out with anyone else (though it’s never come up or even come across in my actions/emotions in the moment as far as I know). Subconscious sabotage.
I hate her for what she did, but even more than that I hate her for bringing me into the adult world of love and sex and at the same time utterly destroying it for me.
*I am obviously very emotional and upset right now. I am feeling neglected and lonely and rejected and tossed aside (and many other things) I want your support and encouragement, I just know that I’m not going to be capable of just putting on a smile the second I get a pat on the back. I know myself well enough to know that my response to the above emotions is to crush them with anger because that’s easier to feel than all the rest. I know that that will spill over to anyone who tries to reach out to me, but I’m begging you to please bear with me if you do try. it will pass sooner if I can let it out to a sympathetic ear. Please just let me be angry with you for a moment so I don’t hate myself and the rest of the world forever.